I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here