@gm_cage: I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
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@Brianhopecomedy: To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
@LukeMones: Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?
@david8hughes: Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...