“Wait, let me explain..”
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.