Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Sing it!
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*