I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice