I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.