@Marlebean: I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: You should cut your toenails. Wife: Huh? M: You're scratching my leg. W: I'm WAY on the other side of the bed! M: That's kinda my point.
@Tups13: Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group. Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?
@zachraffio: - Adele's baby starts to cry - Adele sings the baby a lullaby - baby cries more, but now for different reasons