I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
birds and squirrels envy us
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
i love meeting boys on tinder
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”