@FilthyRichmond: I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.
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@UghNotAgain: Husbands. Can't live with 'em but have to take out the garbage and pay for everything without them.
@ShitJokes: On a ladder putting a cinema poster up. Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?" I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"
@ericsshadow: [wife checking on me and the kids] Hello "I called the house, you didn't answer." I went out. "Ok. Well how have they been?" How's who been?