Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
This rocks
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.