I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is