me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I remember when things only cost an arm.