@djr_102: I broke up with a girl once by leaving a note on the front door that simply said: "Love doesn't live here anymore, and now, neither do you."
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@benerdist: A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@Robbie_Cakes: Why do people always look so embarrassed walking down the street with a pizza box? Be proud man, you've got a pizza!
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!