@RandySmithWhat: "[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends" - Overheard on the bus
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@HatfieldAnne: Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"
@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@AbrasiveGhost: UK Scientist: We've engineered a new species of cyanobacteria U.S. scientist: We've made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
@thecrabbyhook: My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.