“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥