“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.