I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.