@rachelle_mandik: I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren't going anywhere.
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@MarlonBrandNO: [First Date] "Okay don't let her know you're a tool shed" Waiter: Anything to drink? Date: a screwdriver please *My head slowly opens*
@panmidwest: [My Funeral] "He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."
@Weird_Rash: List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws
@FrenulumBreve: "hello pretty lady." [i slide down the bar] "what's your name?" i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.