@rachelle_mandik: I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren't going anywhere.
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@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."
@UNTRESOR: I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
@RoastedPapad: *Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.