It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels