My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
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I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
#polloftheday
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.