I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.