I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
much to think about
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.