@AndreTheViking: I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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@Dustinkcouch: Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny.
@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
@SatansTongue: *at church* "Does anyone have anything else for the offering basket?" Ｉ ＯＦＦＥＲ ＭＹ ＦＩＲＳＴ ＢＯＲＮ ＣＨＩＬＤ "Jim no"
@ReticentTurnip: [job interview] Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness Me: Well, I don't really want to do anything