I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good