I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[eulogy]
line?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.