I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH