I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Festive toon…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.