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@chubbbypanda: I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
@DJRotaryRachel: Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let's just say it gave me diaghetti.
@Sarcasmo718: Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
@SteveSuckington: "DAAAAAAAD!! LOKI KEEPS STEALING MY THUNDER!!"
@Tharin_P: Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
It's for his own good.