sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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me when the borders lift
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
New comic up. “Ransom”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did