We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?