Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…