I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m confused about plants
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.