Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
good work, detective
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”