“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
You Might Also Like
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.