Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same