I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.