I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.