Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
LA today:
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Life with a cat in one tweet
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗