@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash? Me: 6: Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.

@malt_skull: [Spider-Man shows up at my house] *I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.

@WheelTod: Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend's place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*