@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.
@malt_skull: [Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
@WheelTod: Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend's place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
@murrman5: [in car with wife]
"did you take $20 from my purse?"
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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