I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools