The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
how much for the angry fruit?