I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
still the best tweet of the year by far
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
True?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.