I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
damn he’s good
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.