@CassandrasJack: I call bullshit on dogs being mans best friend. That little m'effer didn't lift a paw when I moved. Not him or all his little friends
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@Lisa_Laughs_: He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up.
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."
@KateQFunny: Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake? Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
@Hellaphantitis: At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music