@wesjohnson8: I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
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@tylerschmall: "Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
@TheToddWilliams: [Whole Foods] ME: Hi CLERK: Hello ME: Do you...uh CLERK: Do we what? ME: Do you have any...uh CLERK: Go on ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
@jewfacekilla: Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
@BigBec43: There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat's pretty pissed