I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN