When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery