Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
O Wise One….
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?