I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Yup….perfect score!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog