I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
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teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
🤣could you imagine
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.