I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
You can’t outrun your problems…
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.