I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!