Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams