I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.