@str8upjuggahos: How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

@LeonEarlgrey: I always go the extra mile, which is why my friends don't let me drive

@lanyardtwerk: Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.

@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

@LilMoose77: Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.