I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
that de-escalated quickly
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me