I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.